Damn it, how will I ever get out of this labyrinth?!
(I know it’s long! But, please pleaseeee read until the end!)
I’m impatient, quite possibly a little too blunt, hard-headed, and impulsive. I think incredibly too much, and it’s near impossible for me to simply make a decision. I’m inappropriate, and cuss a little too much. I constantly second-guess myself, and my abilities. I am made entirely of flaws, and I know that. I don’t believe in God. My self-esteem isn’t the highest, and never has been, really. I talk about things until it’s way further than overkill. I trust too easily, and I‘m incredibly nosey. I can be incredibly selfish, at times. I cry too much, lately. I’m a huge procrastinator, I spend entirely too much time doing pointless things. Sometimes I hate the world we live in and how we’ve degraded such a beautiful thing. Sometimes I hate society, and sometimes I hate people (just being honest). I don’t always know how to help when someone’s upset, and sometimes I can’t find the right words. I get discouraged easily, but once my mind is set I can’t let it go. I think pessimistically because I’m scared of being let down. I never win anything. Occasionally, I care too much about people and their feelings and opinions, but not enough about the important events in my life. I’m almost positive I’m the girl everyone lets go… and not the one that got away. I’m idealistic beyond description, and nobody understands I just want to live in a world with endless possibilities. I don’t feel like I truly know who I am, and I‘m scared I will never know…
Despite what you’re probably thinking, these unavoidable, and vast imperfections of mine are not all that I am. I like to think there’s a little glimpse of perfection under the dense blanket of reasons to leave…
I don’t know how to go about listing the positive things about my personality, without this sounding like some sort of resume. That’s definitely not what I’m shooting for. What do I like about myself? I’ve pondered over this many times… I feel like I see things in a different way than most. I’m compassionate, and caring. Even though I’m normally the one getting hurt, I will love you and I will trust you and I will believe in you… I think so many people in this world are amazing, and beautiful, and are capable of anything and everything. I wish I always had the words. I love reading, and literature. I love photography, and it consumes most of my free time, which is never a bad thing. I always laugh, even when I’m incredibly pissed off. I love smiling, and the smallest things make my day brighter. I’m a sucker for a kind word, which probably should’ve gone in the first paragraph, and I take people’s words to heart, all the time. I don’t lie. And, I always tell strangers to have a great day because I want to be the one person that they remember. I don’t want to be forgotten. I will try my hardest to be a great friend. I may be a complicated mess, and have a plethora of defects to my name… but, I will try hard to never let you down. I will never hurt you on purpose, and, if by some chance I do, I always feel bad. If I have hurt you, I am so sorry, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I wish I could take away every slanderous word, every wrongdoing, and every pain in your life. I would save you from it all, if I could.
I’m bad at describing the good things about myself… but, I’m going to use the words of a dear friend who recently wrote me a letter when I really needed it, and it brightened my day:
Kels,
My heart hurts for you.. I hate to see you going through so much for someone that doesn’t deserve it. I have been dragged to hell and back for the most idiotic things and always made stupid choices that ended up hurting me. But you, you deserve none of this kind of heart break. You are so smart, sooo beautiful I only wish I could come close to any of your achievements. I doubt I ever will. People screw up and people make mistakes but never, ever should someone try to make you one. I am so proud of you, you have a truly brave heart and I’m ashamed to think all those times I had courage in my life were only epic fails compared to the patience you don’t think exists in you. It does! You are the most unique, most intellectual, most exciting person I’ve yet to meet. And, for the record, no matter what anyone else says, you have made all the right choices. Happier times will come and the endings you’ve allowed will fade. You’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had. I love you!!
Love, Paige
P.S. It might not be your cup of tea, but I did pray for you and I know God is holding your heart, healing it. You do mean something to him and to me.
It was one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me, and I don’t think she knows how much I really appreciated it… So, thank you, Paige Eileen.
I know I’m not perfect, but I’m working on it. I’ll soon overcome my flaws, or learn to live with them. But, maybe, the only way to truly overcome your imperfections is by learning to live with them… I keep hoping, despite all my wrongs, my rights are enough for you to stick around.
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