the recollections of a vacant mind.
It’s been a month and I’m worried he’s forgotten me. It scares me, more than I want it to. I think of him less and less and it makes me sad. When I try to remember times when we were together, the memories don’t come easy and they’re always a little foggy. I know I remember them; but I think, finally, my forgetting tool is no longer out of commission. I know the one thing that I’ve been trying for this entire month, voluntary repression, is finally happening. I think the ghosts are finally disappearing…
I don’t want him to forget me. I don’t want to forget him. I don’t want to move on. I’m worried. There’s too many decisions to make, too many things to do. There’s nothing here for me in this stupid little town. I don’t want to be here. Everything was okay when we were together and it’s sad we’re not. I can’t help but think everything you said was a lie. You confuse me very much, darling. I wish you’d get your shit together, and just tell me what you’re thinking. Please be thinking of me.
I don’t know what to believe anymore. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just don’t know.
I’ve been trying to be optimistic, but my heart’s no longer feeling so gullible. I’m a fool. A stupid, stupid fool. For caring. For talking about it so much. For thinking about it so much. For still loving you when it’s blaringly obvious you don’t feel the same. I try so hard not to miss you… but I always do.
I know I will always love you… I’m still crossing my fingers for us, even though I shouldn’t be. But, eventually my fingers will get tired and I’ll forget that I’m supposed to be crossing them. Sometimes, unfortunately, wishing simply does not help… I hope your fingers are crossed too, my love.
….I can’t think anymore than that right now. Because, then I’d have to come to terms with all my feelings. And, right now, I just can’t face them. I can’t dive in any deeper than that. Uncovering these things will only hurt me in the end…
I think I already uncovered more than I was supposed to.
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