the only moment we were alone.

I think I know you the best when I’m sleeping.

His arms were around me, tight but unattached. This was the second night I had stayed the night, but things were different now… he was different now. I wanted, so badly, to feel something. I wanted him to feel something again… the desire was overwhelming but hopeless. We had just finished arguing and I had just finished crying…
“Why can’t just hate me, Kelsey? I know I deserve it and it would just make this all so much easier…” he begged.
I sat up in his bed, his black comforter still draped over me. My shoulders were hunched over, as if subconsciously I was using them to shield my heavy heart. I had been holding back tears all night (I hate crying in front of people). I looked out the window, the faint light hitting my face… I knew he could see me. I took a deep breath, my lip quivering ever so slightly.
“Why can’t you just hate me?” he repeated.
“I wish I could…” I whispered, as a meek tear fell out of my right eye and down my cheek. “I’ve tried so hard to.” I could barely get any words out.
“I’m sorry, I really am. I’m sorry I’m such an asshole. I still care about you, and I still really really like you. And I still miss you. I just can’t be in this relationship, I don’t want it.” he confessed.
I can’t remember what I was thinking, or whether or not he seemed genuine.
“Okay…” was all I could think to say. I laid back down with my back towards him, my knees curled in as far as I could pull them, and his comforter up to my chin.
Part of me wanted him to go away and never touch me again, I just wanted to sleep and be out of his reach. A bigger part wanted him to pull me close and take it all back.
“Come here, baby. Let’s talk about this. Come on, talk to me. We can’t go to sleep mad at each other,” he said as he pulled at my shoulder. Bullshit.
I hesitatingly turned around, trying my best to remember why the few stray tears were still lingering on my face and who put them there. “I just wish I was still worth it to you… like I used to be.”
“Babe, it’s not like that. It’s not like that, Kelsey. I promise,” he sighed. He moved his hands up to his face and rubbed his eyes. With his hands rested on his forehead he groaned, “Ahhhh, I don’t know what to doooo…” He was obviously upset, though I am not sure to what degree or of what kind.

After a few minutes of silently looking at eachother, I asked “I know I don’t and this doesn’t mean anything to you anymore but, will you hold me again? Please? I know it sounds stupid… I just missed your arms around me.”
“Of course I will.”

His arms were wrapped around me, tight but unattached. Our bodies were intertwined, a feeling they had so easily gotten used to but, now so uselessly tried to forget. My eyes still weren’t dry and the trail down my face hadn’t evaporated just yet. This was the second night I had stayed the night, but things were different now, we were different now… I never wanted us to be different. As much as I hadn’t wanted to, I missed his arms around me; I missed feeling him close. This time, though, instead of butterflies and contentment, I felt sorrow and sadness. I knew he didn’t care, and never would. I knew it would only hurt me, and he would leave unscathed.

After a while, I turned to look at him. I saw the face of a boy I had once loved, the face of a changed boy. His eyes a little more tired. His lips a little more down-turned. His hair a little longer and his face a little chubbier.
I touched his warm cheek, resting my hand softly against it. He raised his eyebrows and barely cracked open his eyes, waiting for me to say something.
“Hey… Everything’s going to be okay. We’re going to be okay…” I slowly whispered.
He nodded his head, “I hope so.”
I paused, and rubbed my fingers through his hair. It was undeniable how much I cared about him, and still do. Then, I kissed him; but, it was a different kind of kiss. Not one full of passion or love. Sadly, just a kiss; our lips touched in every way but the kind I missed the most.

“I think you’ll miss me eventually.” I mumbled, instantly regretting my impulse.
With a slow nod he whispered, “I think it’ll be soon…”